I am blessed to have a grandfather who is wicked clever, and has a tongue sharpened on both sides. During my stay in England, I've been privileged to chat with him about my family members and hear some of the more secret stories. While I've taken an oath to guard those (as wicked cool as they are), I've also compiled a bunch of quotes which never fail to make me laugh. These are publicly tradable.
"Her idea of tact was close kin to a charging rhinoceros."
"She was the type of person who called a spade a fucking shovel."
"I wasn't a troublemaker, I was a trouble-doer."
"I'm beginning to think you are a little bizarre." (Thanks grandpa...)
"If I had boobs I would talk about them all the time."
Grandpa: What was that phrase you used, goats awash?
Auntie: Totes emosh?
Grandpa: What on earth is that supposed to mean?
Auntie: Totally emotional.
Grandpa: Why thank you.
Advertisement: Are you skilled at writing letters?
Grandpa: I have a degree in pushing the envelope.
"The problem with you is that you judge my driving. You don't carp at me like someone we both know, you just cringe in terror at everything. If you are feeling carsick, it's because I'm not driving fast enough."
Marielle: Are you okay?
Grandpa: I'm just a little tired. The trouble with taking these sleeping pills is that, while they help me sleep, you wake up all groggy in the morning.
Marielle: Would you like me to drive?
Grandpa: NO!
And a cherry to top off this sundae (or Fridae...)
My grandfather went to school when he was little (during "The War") in Scotland, and was one of the only little boys who was half english and half scottish. His school teachers were very different people "united by a hatred of small boys." Because of his english heritage, his mother decided it was reasonable to not wear kilts all the time (damn things are itchy) and instead dressed him in corduroy trousers. Which led to him being teased as "Fancy Pants Foster", the best nickname I've ever heard.
Funnily enough he still wears corduroy on the daily...
We just played a very vicious series of card games, in which we took an honorable draw because his bath (pronounced Bahth) was getting cold. I made a miraculous comeback, and while I lost in points (by 43 measly points... final score 462-419), we tied in number of games and I was clearly on a roll.
Competitiveness runs in the family. Tomorrow is my last half day in the countryside, and then it's London. Sunday I'll be with my new host family IN BARCELONA! Wheeeeee!
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