Busting a rib or two

Brace yourself, you may cry with laughter. Or maybe this is just my own brand of humor, but I busted a least one rib laughing over two of the stories I'm about to tell you.

But first, regular updates. After all, one takes the main meal before the dessert (and it is a whopper).

My swiss friend came from Tours for the weekend to visit before he goes to Bordeaux. He brought with him 99% chocolate which blew the roof of my mouth off. Apparently one needs to start with 75% and then 85% before progressing to what feels like pure cocoa... Oh wait... It is.

We also made jam and picked blackberries, hopped over farmer fences and generally got blonder and tanner. It was good to be blonde company, what with all these brunettes running around France. And fake blondes. All this dye cramps my natural style.

Swiss friend and I dabbled in a tango lesson on Sunday evening, but most of what I learned in that in the tango one must "fait la resistance." And the dude gets to choose which direction and what happens the whole time. It feels a little like a really romantic game of rugby. When we switched partners everytime it was difficult to adjust. This is partially because I am shorter than all the women who were there and not used to resisting quite that forcefully. I think I may prefer my salsa dancing for now. More room to move.

We also learned in our Island Paradises educational program that all the cows in Cuba are owned by the government and thusly you can only get a burger at a public restaurant. At least that's what I think they said.

And now for Les Grandes Histories

Story #1

So when my family was still staying chez Grandparents, my Granny bought a bunch of food and drinks for us, to suit our "American tastes." A particular drink, by the name of Passion Pattana, was Shporty's favorite, especially mixed with a bit of water, as it was very fruity. Flash forward a week when my swiss friend was staying with us. We are eating and generally enjoying the meal when he was offered some of said Passion drink. He then pointed out that it is 15% alcohol.

Which is more than beer and about the same as sherry.

<:-O

Granny's shocked reaction to her covert attempt at turning her 11 nearly 12 grandson into an alcoholic...

"I didn't have my glasses on."

She'd also tried to get the poor child to finish the bottle, encouraging him to "drink it all up."

Story #2

The next meal we heard that Grunkle had received a letter from his rather extravagant cousin. This cousin has been married more times than my very-good-at-counting-grandparents can remember. He frequently plans expensive parties on the bankroll of his current wife. So it is natural for him to think that he might need some help... And thus he sent a letter hereby appointing Sir Grunkle as his chief of staff.

We spent the rest of the day coming up with the appropriate way to refuse such an honor. And finding ways to poke fun at said Chief of Staff.

Me: You have some crumbs in your beard Grunkle.
Grunkle: Do I?
Granny: The chief of staff cannot be looking scruffy!

And so forth. I wish someone would appoint me their chief of staff, if only so I could write a pompous letter in return kindly refusing such a grand offer.

Please vote on the left whether he should take this job or not.




Life is more exciting when you live with your grandparents (or at least those like mine).

Nantes has been taken by storm.

I met my host family today, but under the Foster Secrecy Treaty enacted this morning I will refrain from taking the mickey out of them. Besides, they are WONDERFUL and FUN and WELCOMING. Honestly, there is not another family I would be more happy to live with in Nantes right now. I am very lucky and grateful to those who set it up!

I hope you found these stories as funny as I did.

The Rock of Bernard and The Hair of A Peach

After a good night's sleep, we conquered La Roche Bernard, the big-ish town next to Granny and Grunkle's wee village. We stopped by the cafe I'll be working at this week and next week, Le Gout de Bonheur (the Taste of Happiness) and were told to return at 3:30.

The post office was where I ran into trouble. I accidentally asked for 20 tampons instead of 20 tambres (stamps), shocking the postal man... Luckily he was understanding.

After returning home for a good laze around, we went back at 3:30 and I met the shop owner and the apprentice, who looks exactly like Mila Kunis. It's going to be a lot of fun and probably really fattening. I shall run/bike to work, so I can fit in an extra few macaroons daily. The hot chocolate is melted solid stuff, the tea heavenly, the atmosphere inviting. If you're ever in La Roche, COME HERE.

Spotted Today:
-The Corbet Family, who are goat farmers and some of the nicest, most amusing people you will ever meet. Their three children entertained us this afternoon with croquet, swimming and plenty of French jokes. The middle son has very long hair and sells fruit... We asked if it was good for business, having hair like a peach.
-Little boy getting in trouble for kissing the glass at a sandwich shop. So cute.
-Dead wasps EVERYWHERE thanks to the bug killers who took care of the deadly nest by Sam's room.
-Shporty being thrown the pool.
-Being called Bistro Barbie by Pickles (thanks mommy)
-Making fun of language programs (Where is Bryan? He is in the kitchen. Where is his sister? In the bathroom.)


And a final quote of the day

Granny Peppa: Darling, could you be a saint.
Grunkle: I am a saint.

All Fun and Fights

Today was something of a fractious day.

Shporty and I got in some pretty unpleasant squabbles in the car (including an hourlong fight about the perfection of his memory... No matter what you say, you are not a "Perfect Memory Rememberer.")

We also got slightly lost, and found that the French have extended their bank holiday from yesterday till today.... As Granny Peppa says, "perhaps they celebrated too hard yesterday."

A 30 hour work week has got to be really difficult.

We've also invented some new games, namely "PLEASE" and "Pet the Prickle"

PLEASE rules:

Whenever someone says a question, say in a stern tone of voice "PLEASE" If they didn't say it. Points if you get them to say it.

PET THE PRICKLE:

Go around a circle. Sort of like Simon Says, except when you get seriously injured you're out. Play with freshly picked chestnuts. Take turns giving commands.

"Pick a prickle"

"Carry your prickle around the garden"

"Lick your prickle"

"Pet your Prickle."

And so forth.

Life in Trevineuc is DIVINE. We have a swimming pool, sassy grandparents, chestnuts and a boat called SAM1. Tomorrow, goat farmers are coming to dinner!

If the nick names continue to confuse you, check the newly formed glossary. Commenting has also been made easier!

The Trials of Shporty/The Best Day Ever

Today so far has been the highlight of my adventures.

The weather was fantastic, the food mind/stomach boggling and the company highly entertaining.

We began this morning with a scrumptious breakfast. There were "oeufs durs" or "hard eggs" (misspelled). The english translation was killer. "Hardly Boiled Eggs."

To my taste buds they were actually very well boiled.

Granny Peppa has also been increasingly worried about what she calls my "klepto habits." So what if I take all the tissues, shampoo and tea I can find? I'm in poor student mode. I've only bought two things so far (an ice cream and a sandwich). And tissues are unbelievably useful.

I lost my wee booklet (courtesy of my darling friend California) and recruited a maid to help me find it in the hotel. In her haste, she ran up the stairs, tripped and did a somersault. We never did find it (I found it later in my luggage) but it was a good laugh.

Visited the chateau of Chinon, learned about Joan of Arc and Agnes Sobel. Ms. Sobel was the young mistress of Charles 2, who displayed prominently her left breast in all portraits and was poisoned at the age of 25.

Shporty has had some trials of late, poor thing.

Shporty: I don't crash regularly!
Peppa: Only on Sundays.

He took a tumble on his bike in Chinon and bruised himself quite badly. Then today at lunch we were eating when all of a sudden...

Doubleoseven "whose bike is that?"

Shporty's bike was being pissed on by a neighborhood dog. Consider it territory well marked.

He also fell into a ditch from exhaustion, got a headache later on during dinner and threw up a half an hour ago. Poor kid.

Other than that though, it's been a GREAT day. We cheered Granny and Grunkle up every hill and dale, went out for ice creams and I accidentally ordered chocolate chicken (they caught my pronunciation error... it was a long day.) We debated the dangers of walking vs driving drunk (in terms of statistics and not experience) and learned about a certain member of the family's close shave. Literally :)

Two final quotes!

Simon: Lucas, Sam, let's go have fun!
Lucas: (dejected) Right now?

(I'm talking about soul mates with Granny)
Grunkle: You aren't talking about me now, are you?
Granny: Oh darling, as if I ever stop.

Thank you to my dearest Ruthie for my mailed package. Grunkle said he cut strips out of it, but I smacked him and found it was a lie. Muchas Gracias et Merci Beaucoup.

It's fun to stay at the...

Sorry if this comes a little late, I was just doing the YMCA with Grunkle on some random bridge in Chinon during a wedding... The band was awful, the stares I got for dancing through the street doing the appropriate dance moves were wonderful.

Despite being in the Loire Valley with the Famous Vins De Loire Valley I didn't indulge in dinner. No, this was just exhuberance, and generally partying with one's grandparents. Everyone ought to try it sometime. DA=18

It's been a great day. We visited/biked through a lovely town called Huismes (pronounce how you see fit) and have been turning to the mothercountry for a dose of "elevensies" and "tea." Darlings, elevensies is the new lunch. It's THE BEST.

We've also had a spurt of calorie counting from Shporty, leading us to shout with enTHUsiasm as he bikes along, "Look out! He's burning calories!"

Quite the motivator.

We've not been biking very hard, I'm afraid. Every couple of miles, a particular Granny finds a lovely clump of blackberries and of course once we've have some berries we get out all our snacks and have a go at it for the next 20 minutes. Despite many lessons on gear changing, we still find ourselves puffing and walking up hills. Blackberries tend to grow in these places.

We also visited the Chateau de Usse, which inspired the sleeping beauty story. The inside was full of many mannequins and small children with the cutest accents.

"Papa, if we're very good, can we have a chocolate when we get out?"
"How good will you be?"
(child thinks for a second) "I won't pick my nose, ALL afternoon."

Dearest papa, I would take that deal.

This evening we had a SPLENDID meal filled with curry chicken and various ice creams. To quote Granny Peppa-

"I was, as they say, drooling."

One final quote before I take a long awaited shower.
"I date oxymorons."
"I date morons."

Comment or email me!!

A Most Dangerous Moat

Our chateau has a moat. It also has a boat that goes along with this moat, and to get to the boat in order to paddle the moat one must hop a fence.

Suggestion: Don't try this in skirts/dresses/sandals.

The moat turned out to be six inches deep (take that invaders!) and full of the worlds most aggressive frogs. I croaked my way down the river and way followed by an armanda of amphibians. Nearly fell in, hopped the fence (flashed the Italians next door... wait, you didn't know we had Italian neighbors at the Chateau de C____? Neither did we) and went in to read a book.

After endless games of cards we went to Port En Bessin, which means "Port in a Basin" for lunch and some beachy fun. Lunch was TASTY, and I made ten euros by eating some fish eyes. Videos may follow. An excellent way to pay for one's gap year, in my opinion.

Also bought a snancy new sweatshirt with sailor stripes, spied some more RVs and saved a man's jacket from being run over. Positively saintlike behavior.

At the beach we arrived as the tide was coming in and after getting nice and soaked, we buried Shporty and made him into the shape of a turtle. The incapacitated little brother proceeded to wail every time sand came in his mouth, so we put a towel on his face. A solution we will use again in the future.

Amusing story...

An irishman who ran one of London's biggest "entertainment" houses taught his dog this..

Irishman: What do leetle gurls doo forr diamondss?

(dog rolls on it's back and wags its legs in the air.)

Janda was banished to the Sin Bin last night and was berated today for his cacophonous snoring. He has a twitchy leg in his sleep and so offered to go sleep then in the car... Wonder what the Italians would think of the grunting and leg flailing coming from the car?

Rigor Amortis.

Lettuce and Peace

I apologize sincerely to anyone who reads this blog (hard to tell with the lack of comments :)) for the absence yesterday. My brother Shrug was using the interwebs to speak with his friend of the lady-like gender. I have various updates then from yesterday and today, split up into days.

August 9th today news- Today we went BACK to the war museum to actually look at the museum bit. Came out a bit queasy and very much a pacifist. I really hope we outgrow bombs and weapons in my lifetime. Anyone who tries to convince people that war is a necessary function of the world has no consideration for the lives lost senselessly before, or the respect for the families of those they ask to sacrifice themselves. My humble opinion.

We then went to the Bayeux township and saw the 950+ year old tapestry depicting another war, that of Harold and William. So much death, and only three women in the massive tapestry. One of them was the daughter Aeygl (spelling?). The monitor told me (word for word) "His daughter, Aegylkdhbfkjgb is depicted here as returning and being reminded of her betrothal, as evidenced by her being slapped by a priest." I beg your pardon? Dear Parents, please don't smack me when I get engaged.

Other sightings-
Police in jeans... Casual tuesday for law enforcement?
So many creepy posters of clowns. Tis the season of circuses (circi? latin whizzes??

August 8th-

Drove in the morning to Omaha golf club.

Quotes from drive out by my Grann

"dear me, have they misplaced their accelerator?"
"my, she was a fiesty little driver."

Terrible head cold, as such left after first 9 and went with Shporty and Pickles (she wants a new name, given all the flac she's getting from various persons. Please stop teasing her, I like this nickname).

Paid Shporty 50p to be silent, and had a to do list from Pickles of

-Lunch
-The Sea
-Something Impulsive.

Learned how to drive a stickshift (APPARENTLY I was pretty impressive, and only stalled going from 2nd back to 1st. And maybe starting once or twice.)

Quotes from dinner

Rando- "What did you shoot Shrug?"
Shrug- "85"
Rando- "And you Janda?"
Janda- "I shot myself."

"So how did you get so good at golf Janda?"
"Well thank you, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

Things I learned on August 8th
-Obama in Normandy is a huge selling point. Woot Americans.
-RVs are popular at Omaha beach. The scourge is everywhere.
-They have raunchy novels in the supermarkets too! The titles are hilarious, translated "The Frenchman and The American" "A Flight to Remember" "Tall Dark and Dangerous."
-Apparently in cricket it is good to be a leg break googley bowler.

Most common phrase on trip, "are you going to eat your lettuce?"

Happiest of birthdays to my Ruthie.

Life On The Sin Bin

We have now taken refuge in a chateau in Normandy, Chateau de C_____ to be precise. It is 4 km away from the Graveyard featured so dramatically in "Saving Private Ryan." I didn't see SPR, as often times Scooby Doo is too violent for me, but I'm told it is "Epic" and "Gory." Not my French cup of tea.

It (this chateau) has a moat, a boat, and the addition of two brand spanking new grandparents who have arrived with all their british accents, sass, much better swear words and general outlook on life.

In a nutshell-
"If it is serious, let's poke fun."

Some quotes from today include--->

Doubleoseven- Dad, do you want red or white with lunch?
Janda- Yes.

Grann- Are you going to be helpful or not darling?
Janda- I'm going to be helpful. As always.

Grann- Drink it slowly dear, and have it for later.
Janda- Or I could drink it fast and order another.

The Sin Bin is the new name couch my dearest Grandfather "Janda" has taken for his own. He assumed that his hedonistic habits would result in
a) his expulsion from his room with Grann (my English granny).
b) his inability to walk up two flights of windy, uneven cobblestone steps.

Played cards with doubleoseven, Janda and for a little bit, Shporty. Score (in games won).
Marf- 5
Doubleo- 4
Janda- 0
Shporty- 0

Janda then grumped and said "I'm now going to go to bed in a sulk."
Grann's repartee- "Why change a lifelong habit now?"

I love my Grandparents.

The Paris Experience

I'm not much of a tourist. Big flashy sights and monuments are not usually my cup of tea, although I must say from the top of the Eiffel Tower Paris is quite the sight to behold.

Beforehand we had stopped by a café for some well deserved breakfast. I charmed the waitress with my "good accent" and less good vocabulary while Shrug, my other brother, disappeared to the bathroom. After about ten minutes he came back grinning (a warning sign right there).

Apparently there was a drunk man in the bathroom (it's 11:20 am people) who wanted to have an "American experience." They talked about George Bush and The Hangover.

Other interesting sights include a man wearing very well fitting yoga pants strutting up the Eiffel Tower. He had every right to wear them.

There was also an elderly British lady who was eager to budge in the queue to go down in the elevator. She kept sighing and grumbling under her breath. She just missed getting into our elevator, and as the doors closed there was an imitation sigh. No idea who would be so cheeky....

Shporty also felt the need to imitate a turtle the whole way up, frightening some Japanese tourists. Luckily he has two older siblings to straighten him out.

One final thing to mention is the PDA vs. PDH. I understand all the kissing and holding hands and lovey dovey fondling (even the 80+ crowd indulges). But there is a limit to all this and my wee eleven year old brother seeing soft core porn all over the newsstands is perhaps a little far. Still, in my opinion it's better than all the violence we in the USofA put up with.

The Early Bird Gets a Cold

In preparation for my upcoming flight and new time zone (Pickles has deemed me flight-worthy... no random girl in my seat!) I woke myself up early at an ungodly hour. Battling a cold as well has made for a rather sniffly and hoarse morning. My reaction times are also halved, so when my cat Lady decided to play ninja kitty, she landed a big scratch.

Meanwhile I can hear my little brother Shporty and father Doubleoseven snoring in harmony. It is seven thirty already and I am still the only one awake!

Never mind, I stand corrected. Pickles has launched on a frantic crusade and we are the heathens. Hopefully she'll have better success than the real crusades! At the very least I ask that we don't die of dysentery.

The battle has reached my room, and I must flee/put real clothes on. The next time I broadcast, I may be on the other side of the Pond!